Janet’s blog

It is a new year and yet it seems that not a whole lot has changed.  We still face the uncertainty of life and what it holds for us.  I am thrilled at the prospect of my son returning to college in a week.  After a long hard-fought journey, he is ready to return to the academic world.  I am so thankful for that and  I pray that he will find this new experience a joyful one, holding only the best for him. The ongoing saga with dealing with my mom with this mind robbing disease continues.  I don't know who it is harder for me, watching a vibrant woman slowly drift away, or for her, who in moments of clarity, wonders why she is still here and not moved on.  As we talked today about this subject, she asked first of how long it has been since her husband had passed.  When I told her that Daddy died 10 years ago, she was overcome with sadness at the thought and rememberence that she has been without him for so long.  She told me if she could be sure she would see him again on the other side, she wants to go and do that. For what ever reason, this long time Christian woman was questioning that.  When I assured her that she would indeed be reunited with all of our family, she seemed content and say, "Well then, whenever God wants me, that's OK by me!"  While tears came to my eyes and we shared a moment of sadness, she then looked up at me and told me that since Gid still wants her here for now, she is really glad we are together and that she feels as if this is her home and she feels very safe and secure.  Once again, she thanked me for "all you do for me" and we then just sat back and held hands for a few minutes and enjoyed a very special moment as only a mother and daughter can.  For today......we are fine.

Well, today is another day......in some ways it was a good day, but in others, very tough.  I watched and tried to comfort  my mother as she  cried after looking at pictures of my father and her father who are both obviously deceased.  She is wondering why she is still here.  We tried to send out cards to her friends, but unfortunately, many of them have crossed over since last year.  How hard that must be for her to slowly come to the realization that most, if not all of her friends are gone. I don't know how I would deal with that.  She had some happy moments though, as we put up her tree in her room and she remembered past times at Christmas with us as her children.  Life is very strange in the fact that what she is facing, and therefore, I am facing is the mortality of life.  It is not something that we like to think about, especially now at this time of year. However, it is a fact of life and in a strange way, I am grateful that I am experiencing this as I hope that when my time comes, I have a bit of insight into what my children will face (that is if I can remember this when I am 92!) I can only take comfort in knowing that I am doing all I can at this point to make her life as comfortable and happy as possible.  One of the great blessings that she is giving me now is that every night as I help her to bed, she smiles up at me and sincerely thanks me for "all you do for me".  I know she is okay and secure in knowing that I am here for her each and every day.......for that.....I give thanks.

Well, today is the first day at my entrance to the world of blogging. Where to begin and what to say?  I guess I will just write from the heart and hope that no one will read these words as they will I think become rather personal and private.  Maybe that's the magic of the Internet....being able to put your thoughts, fears and frustrations into words and there is really no one there to judge you or think you're nuts.(Well maybe nuts, but therein lies the beauty,eh?)  I was once a woman who had so much to offer and to accomplish.  I owned two businesses and was rather successful in running them.  However, in the last six months, I have had to make some MAJOR changes in my life.  My mom(92) fell, broke her hip, and it has become necessary for me to become her full time caregiver.  This was a woman who was very vibrant and alert until she fell.  Since that day, she has deteriorated to the point of needing round the clock care and support.  I am very grateful that I can provide this care to my mother, however, I am beginning to feel like a "caged bird" with no where to turn to voice how hard it is to "lose"  the person who has been there for you your whole life, and now you need to be  there for them for the remainder of their life.....How the cycle of life goes,eh? Yes, counselors help, but ya know. it ain't the same as having your mom there to talk to.   

I think I have rambled enough for the first time.....it has been good.